Director's Diary
by DragonLass
Summary: My attempt at humor. *new* Second week of filming...
1. Default Chapter

Director's Diary - First Week  
  
Day 1  
  
Began shooting with the title scene. Big mistake. Good thing Frodo's not an elf. Just as he was about to jump into the cart, Gandalf ducked. Frodo went crashing into the cardboard hillside. Had to get four stitches...me, not Frodo. Frodo had a fit and socked me in the eye. I'm tempted to fire him. Can't though. Be too hard to find someone as short...  
  
Sorry. Frodo reading over my shoulder. Pinched me. I jabbed him with the end of the pen. Now he'll have a permanent beauty mark.  
  
Legolas complaining about his clothes being too tight.  
  
Found out Gimli hates raisins. Started flicking them at the cast.  
  
Day 2  
  
Merry and Pippin won't stop fooling around. Wasted three wheels of film. Pippin bought one of those oversized tarantulas at the Halloween store. Threw it at Legolas offset. Legolas leaped onto the camera and broke the lens. Had to order a new one. Credit cards are my new god. After we ordered it, found out we had a spare. Or HAD. Clumsy cameraman dropped it and it rolled onto the set. Aragorn stepped on it just as he jumped in to barbecue the Ring Wraiths. Wanna know something? Frodo wasn't screaming when that blade stabbed him...  
I need an aspirin. Frodo is reading over my shoulder AGAIN. Jabbed him with a pen AGAIN. Now he's got a Mickey Mouse on his face. Haha  
  
Day 3  
  
Legolas is wearing the wrong outfit today. I told him the suspenders were too short. He didn't believe me. Oh well. Guess I'll just CG some clothes on him later.  
Aragorn listened to Legolas and had his head shaved. Now I have to buy a whole new wig. Thank you plastic charge card, I love you.  
Disaster...Pippin raided the refridgerator and started flinging ice cream. Frodo was flirting with Arwen. But, that's not the worst. Couldn't find a new wig. Had to shave Sam's pet ferret and glue the hair together. Looked a lot like the wig...I have my suspicions...  
Ring Wraiths started to sneeze during the film. Couldn't figure out why. Turns out Merry snuck some sneezing powder in their shrouds. Stupid hobbit. Can't wait till this is over...need another aspirin...  
  
Day 4  
  
We couldn't find the horse, so Merry and Pippin had to double for Bill. Legolas offered to do the sea squid, but Aragorn beat him to it. Now we're three members of the Fellowship short...well, four members of the Fellowship are short...but...nevermind...We lost three of the Fellowship.  
The guy who's supposed to open the door to Moria fell asleep. Idiot. So when Gandalf said "mellon" and walked towards the door, he ended up smashing his nose right into the wall. That's another two stitches for me...and two aspirin...  
Legolas wants to open the door. Merry got mad, and pushed the elf in the water. His ears melted off. He started to scream bloody murder, until the makeup people came rushing up. They carried him away on a stretcher.  
  
Day 5  
  
Somebody spilled glue in the Woodland scene. When Frodo walked by, he left his feet behind. Sam and Pippin had to adlib. ( Ohmigosh Frodo! Your feet are gone! You broke the bloody ring! It's a sign! You're cursed! Burn him!)  
  
Legolas is back. His ears look a little droopier than usual. Probably'll fall off during the Council scene.  
  
Did the Council scene. His ears fell off. Started to adlib a song with his bow, plucking it like a one-string harp. Aragorn beaned him over the head with a mandolin. (Don't ask where he got it from.)  
Elrond picked up a styrofoam tree, and started quoting lines from Superman. Sam thought it was his cue, and ran out, knocking the crown off Elrond's head, that little...head...tiara...thing...  
Ran out of head...tiara...things. Had to give him a Burger King crown. He looked even more serious than usual.  
  
Day 6  
  
Boromir Death Scene today. Tried to do the Waterful Funeral. He screamed and got out of the boat, swimming towards shore. Guess we'll have to do that in the studio.  
  
Attempted the Cave Troll part also. Didn't go so well. CG guy was drunk, and gave the troll a big pink ballet tutu. Legolas tried to shoot it, but the arrow bounced back and hit him in the head. Lucky that they're rubber. Then, in a mad rage, he pulled three out and tried to shoot them. One flopped over. One of Merry's fake stuffed arrows. It squeaked.  
  
Day 7  
  
Last day of filming for the week. Thank god. Sam didn't think he had enough lines in the film. He grew a beard and tried to pass off as Gimli. Don't know what happened to Gimli, though.  
  
Found Gimli tied and gagged in the Funeral Canoe.  
  
Galadriel came today. Tried to do the Lothlorien scene. Didn't work so well. Some crazy fan girl (^_^) ran Galadriel over asking for Legolas's autograph. Four more long stitches...I look like the elephant man now...Note to myself: Get a Phantom of the Opera mask.  
  
End of the day, everyone's going home. Ohmigosh. Only two days until the next film session. Making out the papers for a secret flight to Fiji. Goodbye Middle-Earth. 


	2. Week 2 of Filming

The second week of shooting. ^ ^  
  
~  
  
Chapter 2 - Second Week  
  
This time we join our Lord of the Rings Cast on the set.  
  
~  
  
Week 2 - Day 1  
  
Disaster! Tried to do the Moria tipping staircase scene today. Got to remember to buy stronger glue. When Gimli jumped and started to fall over, Legolas grabbed his beard. It worked for a little bit, except Gimli started screaming. (NOT THE BEARD). Legolas kept pulling, then suddenly...RIPPPP...the whole beard came off. Oops. Guess ferret hair isn't as strong as it used to be. OH, well. Sam's ferret looks like it's been through a tree mulcher anyway.  
  
~ Day 3  
  
Tip to future directors: never use real fire. Switched Gandalf's staff to a lite-brite stone, when the real torch we used set Legolas's hair up in flames.Thank goodness for the leftover shark tank from the other movie. We saved most of his hair. Do you think a crew-cut is believable? Or maybe an elf with a mohawk.(We'll even braid it. ^_^)  
Hired a new CG productions guy. The guy's a kung-fu freak though. No offense. But, have you ever seen a cave troll trying to kick butts that are smaller than his? It's not pretty...  
  
~  
Hi, my name is Peter Jackson, and I'm the director of Lord of the Rings! Let's take a peek at some scenes we DIDN'T put in the film!  
  
Scene 1  
  
Director: All right, everyone. Take 43 of the Council Meeting.  
Cameraman: Wait, a minute...  
Director: And...  
Cameraman: WAIT!  
Director: Action!  
  
*Cameraman sighs. Legolas was knocked unconscious in the last take, and is slumped in his chair. In an attempt to adlib, Aragorn runs over and kneels behind Legolas.*  
  
Aragorn: *In high squeaky voice* He is no mere ranger! *He lifts Legolas up, except Legolas's head lulls back to his chest* He is Aragorn son of...oh forget it...  
  
*Aragorn drops Legolas back into his seat.*  
  
Director: CUT! Why didn't anyone tell me Legolas was out cold?!  
Cameraman: I...  
Director: Nevermind. Bring in the double!  
  
* Big hairy guy, with too small costume walks in and sits in Legolas's chair. All the other elves scoot very far away.*  
  
Director: ACTION!  
  
*Big hairy guy stands up.*  
  
Legolas double: *Smurf voice* He is no mere ranger, he is...  
Director: CUT!  
  
* Merry and Pippin laughing in the background. Helium is so much fun...*  
  
~ Scene 2  
  
Gandalf is coming up in his cart. As Frodo stands on the hillside, he can hear the faint sounds of singing...  
  
Gandalf: Animal crackers, in my soup.  
Monkeys and rabbits loop-de-loop  
  
Frodo: Gandalf..  
  
Gandalf: Gosh oh gee won't I have fun,  
Swallowing animals one by one...  
  
Frodo: psst...Gandalf! You're on the air.  
  
*Aragorn sputters, and he and Legolas fall down laughing*  
  
~Scene 3 - The stabbing of the Empty Beds...or so we thought...  
  
Ringwraith raises his sword and...  
  
Bed: AUGGGHHHHHHHh!!!  
  
*Ringwraith jumps, and looks at the bed, then at his sword, then back at the bed again. He pokes the sheet with his sword.*  
  
Bed: GURGLEGURGLEAUGHHHHHHHHH!  
  
* Ringwraith gulps, then touches the bed again.*  
  
Bed: *singsong voice* Letters of the alphabet, ABC's!  
Ringwraith: AUUUGHGHHGHGHGHGHGHGHGH!!!!!!!!! *Runs out screaming*  
  
Director: CUT!  
  
*Legolas snickers from behind the camera, clears his throat, then walks out whistling...* 


End file.
